Opening Doors

Apparently, the way I open car doors confuses my friend. 

"What are you thinking when you open the car door?"

"Huh? What?"

"You always pause for a moment before you open the door, like you're thinking something, I don't know..."

"Oh... okay... and what do you think I'm thinking?"

"I dunno... like maybe, is this guy a gentleman and will he open the door for me, or something like that... I'm just curious. You're always thinking something."

"Heh heh heh heh heh... dude, I don't need guys to open doors for me..."

What is it with guys and opening doors for girls? More than that, what is it about girls opening doors for themselves or for guys that upsets everyone?

Really, opening a door is not a huge task, anyone can do it. I don't understand why this 'chivalry' factor is so special. Sure, it's a thing coming from old times, and women are thought to be the more 'delicate' sex, and so must be treated very nicely and politely all the time. It may have made sense in those times, if the doors were too heavy or something, but that argument just does not work today. 

The history of how this situation comes about is long and complex, and certainly no afternoon read. But it's fascination to observe how it operates. If a third party looks at a guy opening a door for a girl, the unconscious thought triggered is, oh isn't he being a perfect gentleman. If the girl opens the door and the guy just walks through like nothing special happened, the idea generated is, what a jerk! he's allowing a girl to open the door for him! This has actually happened to me. I've gotten those "Oh, poor girl, what a jerk she's with" kind of stares a couple of times.

Guys have opened doors for me before now, for no other reason than that they are guys and I'm a girl. I've opened doors for guys, only to have them look at me awkwardly and then proceed through the door, or try to take the door from me and let me enter first. I've never myself seen a case where a girl opens a door and a guy goes through without thinking anything more or less than that the girl is just being nice.

It's just plain polite manners to open the door for someone else. I'll accept an argument that younger people should open the door for the elderly, or that it makes sense to open the door for someone senior, like your parents or your boss. It's polite when guys open doors for girls. It's equally polite when girls open doors for guys. There shouldn't be anything weird or awkward or extraordinary about that, for either guys or girls. 'Chivalry' isn't something special; it's just this subset of nice behaviour, and shouldn't be considered anything more than that.

I won't bother to talk about picking up bags right now.

Schrodinger's Rapist

Awesome post. It highlights a lot of things that are not often understood by a lot of people.

Schrodinger's Rapist

Unfortunately, this situation creates problems for me, because of my innate nature. I happen to like being friendly. I like the idea of being able to say good morning to the complete stranger on the bus, without worrying about whether that person is going to take that as a signal of some kind. I like being able to talk to the person behind me in the queue, without worrying about whether he is some kind of threat to me. I like being able to ask a question to the guy sitting next to me in the auditorium, perhaps even have a normal conversation, without that person trying to push his way into my inner circle.

And, unfortunately, that doesn't quite happen. If I behave friendly, even in the slightest way, a guy is going to take that as a signal that I'm interested, and perhaps interested in something more. Rather, he's going to jump ahead to the idea that I'm interested in something more, because of course, most other girls are so aloof, so untrusting, so if this one is being friendly, she must be having different ideas. This is not just speculation. It has actually happened. Of course I have different ideas. I believe in being nice to the people around me, but I expect that niceness to be reciprocated, and I expect that they in turn should not try to be more than nice. I'm trying to not send out any signals to indicate any interest or lack thereof, I'm just trying to be pleasant-mannered, but somehow, that in itself ends up being a signal!

It sucks.

Being Feminine

For some time, I have found my thoughts often turning to the concept of femininity. Femininity, not feminism. I am already a rather headstrong feminist, in that I believe in equal rights and opportunities, as well as equal standards and regard between the sexes. The trouble is the latter part seems to somewhat collide with popular perceptions of femininity.

What does it mean to be feminine? I have good reason to ask, and good authority to answer, since I was labelled a "non-female" by a good number of people (men, actually) for quite some time, for different reasons. What was different about me, that people thought I wasn't feminine? 

I was a tomboy for quite some time. A very long time, in fact. I always wore jeans and t-shirts, and they were the baggy, loose kind, that guys usually wear. I never wore makeup or jewelry; never bothered with my hair except for keeping it clean and tightly tied up, away from my face; never worried about getting rid of acne; never giggled with a group of girls, talking about boys or movies; never went for any intense grooming sessions; never displayed those typical gestures or mannerisms that most "feminine" girls seem to have. And then there was the matter of attitude too. Apparently I simply didn't "behave" like a girl, whatever that is supposed to mean. And several times, people advised me with earnest and good intentions to change all that!

Things did change gradually. My tastes in clothes changed a little; I still wear only t-shirts and jeans, but these are now somewhat of the "feminine" kind (read better-fitting). I wear a minimal amount of jewelry, and I keep my hair more loosely tied now, so that some of the neatness has been sacrificed. I do some minimal amount of the grooming part, with the emphasis on neatness. I still don't wear makeup or giggle, though I laugh a lot. I don't roam around with a pack of girls talking about boys or movies. I don't know if I have yet developed "girly" behaviour or not. 

But, it seems this was enough to change that tag! I thought being feminine meant having or displaying qualities that are unique to one as a female; that means you get those qualities only if you are a female. Nothing has changed in my essential mind or body in the past ten years, and yet, a simple change of clothes and elimination of acne seems to have changed the tag. Is that all femininity is about? The clothes and the hair and the makeup? If so, it isn't exactly a very useful or practical thing, is it? And if it has no use, why in the universe would I go to the trouble of developing that feminine quality in the first place! How presumptuous indeed to imply, that an essential part of my worth comes from such superficial things!

The other aspect is that being feminine apparently requires certain social attitudes as well. But in a way, this seems to be trampling on the ground of feminism, insofar as that is used to view certain social mores and norms. For example, I can cross a busy street in India without getting killed, and I'm quite skilled at that. Crossing the road alone is not a problem for me, and neither is it for hundreds of girls in India. Yet, if I happen to cross the road, or even walk by the side of the road with a guy, he will invariably move between me and the oncoming traffic. This is regardless of how much the guy knows or doesn't know me. Of course, he has been taught by his seniors and his peers that this is how you must treat a female, so it doesn't matter if he's a friend or a stranger; he will still walk on the side where the traffic is. 

Now I can complain about this, protesting that it is really unnecessary and I am quite capable of crossing the road facing the traffic myself, thank you very much: this is the feminist in me speaking. Or I can quietly accept it, because part of the "feminine" social deal is that it's okay to let a guy care for you any way he can; that in fact, it's supposed to be that way, that it's a guy's duty to take care of any female he's with. What makes it funny, apart from complicating matters, is that when a female refuses a male's "protection" or "care" in this manner, she actually affronts his "masculinity" (read male ego)! Whenever I protest against any guy trying to keep me away from the traffic, even on the safest and most orderly of roads, they physically pull me to the other side, saying things like, "You won't understand! Just come to the other side!" Those who don't or won't go so far as that, give me a look that combines surprise with a shade of being offended.

There are plenty of things like this, that a guy would do trying to be chivalrous: picking up bags, extending a hand over difficult terrain, opening doors, holding out chairs and so on. I find it rather strange; I don't need anyone, guy or girl, to do things like that for me. Yet tons of girls accept such behaviour, and indeed expect it from guys. So, is this attitude also part of being "feminine"? I've never seen a girl pull out a chair for a guy. Ever.

Surely, being feminine must be more than dressing yourself up or acting like a wimp? I still wonder.

An Equal Society

Someone recently gave an article for the college newsletter. It was a very basic article about how girls are not treated on par with guys on campus, and how irritating it is to be made to conform to restrictive policies with little or no sensible justification.

This got me thinking. Women have equal rights under the law and everything. But does anyone in this country really understand the concept of equality? As in equality between men and women? They think they do, and they feel we are really progressing in issues like women's liberation and so forth. The sad truth is that even in a college housing two thousand people on a campus of two and a half hundred acres, I have found hardly two people truly understand it, and practise it as well.

This can be analyzed by taking several little individual examples. Think about clothing and dressing. Men can roam about naked and women scream in embarrassment. Any sign of extra skin on a woman, forget being naked, and the men stare around, lewdly happy. In both cases, it's the woman whose 'chastity' 'stands at risk'.

Certain things are stereotyped as typically masculine or feminine. Very prominent in this list are clothes. Men's clothing with appropriate styling (I mean jeans and t-shirts) is now a part of the woman's wardrobe, but feminine styles of clothing are still common, and for some reason those are considered more 'appealing' than the masculine derived styles. No objection there, but that doesn't mean that a woman should be judged on the basis of her wardrobe. Worse than the judging is the discrimination a woman faces for being anything that's not typically feminine, be it clothes or anything else. I remember this movie that was extremely popular ten years back. I had liked it too at that time, but later I realized how it portrays what I'm talking about. The main female protagonist is a tomboy and like all humans, falls in love, but her love goes unrequited as long as she remains a tomboy. To put it in the words of a leading critic, her love is returned only when she resurfaces, "sarified and narified".

The ideology associated with this is also stereotyped, biased towards men. A statement I made today to a group of people and the response I received illustrates this perfectly. The topic under discussion was a recent beach trip we had taken, and one guy was describing somewhat merrily how I had stared at him and his abs when he had taken off his shirt to wash up. I retaliated saying that if it was okay for men to stare at women and their figures, there's no harm done if a woman looks at a man. Men will stare at women no matter what they wear or don't wear, so what's wrong if it happens vice versa? Everyone protested loudly at this, girls and guys both, and I only succeeded in furthering my reputation as being somewhat more forward in behaviour compared to the other girls who live on campus.

Next, take issues like boozing, fagging or doping. Some people associate a sort of morality (rather a lack of it) with these activities, and call them vice. I'm no stranger to the thought, since I myself once used to subscribe to it. And no issue with it; everyone is entitled to their own view. It's pretty normal for women to indulge in them the world over. Focus only on the two thousand people who live on my campus, since that's the model of the country I'm out to live in. Any woman in this college, who drinks alcohol and openly admits to it, is considered forward by any standards, in the eyes of the college public. Find out that she smokes or dopes, and she rises even 'higher' in estimation. For some strange reason, people consider it more of a vice when a woman indulges in any of these activities, than when a man does so. It's even more shocking to hear people say that it's okay or unavoidable in case of men, but that it's wrong for women.

Living in college broadens your horizons to infinite limits. You are exposed to a wider world, different ideas, different possibilities. You question this world and its rules and add your own opinion to it. And your morals and principles undergo the most drastic restructuring possible, because of such wide exposure. You get to meet so many different people, across the entire spectrum of mindset and mentality. Their company, their ideas add their influence. This being the case, it really shocks me to still know of people making statements like "Girls shouldn't compete with boys". And that came straight from one of the guys of my own college: a person who has studied in the same class as me right from my freshman year.

Consider security. Amongst crimes that are specifically targeted at women, rape is one of the nastiest and most serious. Sexual harassment is the more generic term for it, including with it everything from lewd comments and stares, upto rape. What is people's solution to this problem, apart from laws? "Don't wear provoking clothes."

Again, it's the woman who has to bear the brunt of it. Why did she get raped? Because she was wearing 'provoking' clothes and men are such beasts that they can't (and won't bother to) refrain from helping themselves to what seems a most delicious treat. So, rather than teach men that it's wrong for them to treat women like objects of pleasure, they want to teach women to be more submissive.

What does security mean? According to the chauvinists, a woman is well protected if she stays inside the house after dark, which is when she is most threatened. So to keep her safe, cage her up after dark! This is enforced by both spoken and unspoken rules everywhere. Why did she get raped? "Because she went out of the house after dark. She was asking for trouble. She deserved it."

A group of friends had a party recently. The majority were men, but there were a fair number of women as well. The party was on till late night but the women were required by rules to return strictly by a certain time. They did. The men were also required to do the same, but they didn't bother and returned well after curfew. Of course they received a yelling.

Note a few facts about this. First, the guys only got a yelling from their supervisor. Had it been the girls who were late, they'd have got a yelling, a fine imposed as punishment, and a good deal of character sludging. Next, the guys were found complaining the next day. "If it's ten-thirty for the girls, it can certainly be much later for the guys." Why should it? Why at all? I took issue with the guy who spoke the sentence, and who also happens to be a close acquaintance of mine. His defence was that girls should not stay out late, since safety could then become a problem.

That's my point exactly. Safety should not have to be a problem in the first place. It's a knotty issue, on the borderline of the realms of freedom and equality. For goodness' sake, the world is supposed to move towards equality. Not just equality of laws. I mean equality ingrained as a quality of behaviour. I mean absence of discrimination, and absence of this attitude of chauvinistic high-handedness. In all essential social terms, equality needs to become a mindset, a part of one's natural thinking. A woman should be free to walk the roads alone at night. Not just free under the law. But free from fear of being raped, from fear of being ostracized, from the persecution caused by social backbiting, from chauvinistic nastiness that's totally uncalled for. Free, and equal.

And apart from having this equality, a girl should assert her right to this equality. She needs to be strong enough to know and recognize injustice and fight it. Unfortunately, centuries of downtrodden existence have brought in a mentality of dogged submissiveness in women. Those few who fight, find themselves speaking in a land of deaf people. Like I do.

It's not an easy task. It's one thing to impose a set of rules that must be obeyed, but how do you change the mindset of an entire generation of people, let alone three generations coexisting together, who have all grown up thinking in the way of their forefathers? How do you get people to see and accept the rationality of those laws and rules? One person alone can't do anything against an army of people who together form society. But individual people waging on the war can set a precedent, which more people from coming generations can take up and follow. That is how slow and silent revolutions in social norms have come about. And that is my hope, that I too may learn, and thus teach, and play my part in this revolution.