Being Feminine

For some time, I have found my thoughts often turning to the concept of femininity. Femininity, not feminism. I am already a rather headstrong feminist, in that I believe in equal rights and opportunities, as well as equal standards and regard between the sexes. The trouble is the latter part seems to somewhat collide with popular perceptions of femininity.

What does it mean to be feminine? I have good reason to ask, and good authority to answer, since I was labelled a "non-female" by a good number of people (men, actually) for quite some time, for different reasons. What was different about me, that people thought I wasn't feminine? 

I was a tomboy for quite some time. A very long time, in fact. I always wore jeans and t-shirts, and they were the baggy, loose kind, that guys usually wear. I never wore makeup or jewelry; never bothered with my hair except for keeping it clean and tightly tied up, away from my face; never worried about getting rid of acne; never giggled with a group of girls, talking about boys or movies; never went for any intense grooming sessions; never displayed those typical gestures or mannerisms that most "feminine" girls seem to have. And then there was the matter of attitude too. Apparently I simply didn't "behave" like a girl, whatever that is supposed to mean. And several times, people advised me with earnest and good intentions to change all that!

Things did change gradually. My tastes in clothes changed a little; I still wear only t-shirts and jeans, but these are now somewhat of the "feminine" kind (read better-fitting). I wear a minimal amount of jewelry, and I keep my hair more loosely tied now, so that some of the neatness has been sacrificed. I do some minimal amount of the grooming part, with the emphasis on neatness. I still don't wear makeup or giggle, though I laugh a lot. I don't roam around with a pack of girls talking about boys or movies. I don't know if I have yet developed "girly" behaviour or not. 

But, it seems this was enough to change that tag! I thought being feminine meant having or displaying qualities that are unique to one as a female; that means you get those qualities only if you are a female. Nothing has changed in my essential mind or body in the past ten years, and yet, a simple change of clothes and elimination of acne seems to have changed the tag. Is that all femininity is about? The clothes and the hair and the makeup? If so, it isn't exactly a very useful or practical thing, is it? And if it has no use, why in the universe would I go to the trouble of developing that feminine quality in the first place! How presumptuous indeed to imply, that an essential part of my worth comes from such superficial things!

The other aspect is that being feminine apparently requires certain social attitudes as well. But in a way, this seems to be trampling on the ground of feminism, insofar as that is used to view certain social mores and norms. For example, I can cross a busy street in India without getting killed, and I'm quite skilled at that. Crossing the road alone is not a problem for me, and neither is it for hundreds of girls in India. Yet, if I happen to cross the road, or even walk by the side of the road with a guy, he will invariably move between me and the oncoming traffic. This is regardless of how much the guy knows or doesn't know me. Of course, he has been taught by his seniors and his peers that this is how you must treat a female, so it doesn't matter if he's a friend or a stranger; he will still walk on the side where the traffic is. 

Now I can complain about this, protesting that it is really unnecessary and I am quite capable of crossing the road facing the traffic myself, thank you very much: this is the feminist in me speaking. Or I can quietly accept it, because part of the "feminine" social deal is that it's okay to let a guy care for you any way he can; that in fact, it's supposed to be that way, that it's a guy's duty to take care of any female he's with. What makes it funny, apart from complicating matters, is that when a female refuses a male's "protection" or "care" in this manner, she actually affronts his "masculinity" (read male ego)! Whenever I protest against any guy trying to keep me away from the traffic, even on the safest and most orderly of roads, they physically pull me to the other side, saying things like, "You won't understand! Just come to the other side!" Those who don't or won't go so far as that, give me a look that combines surprise with a shade of being offended.

There are plenty of things like this, that a guy would do trying to be chivalrous: picking up bags, extending a hand over difficult terrain, opening doors, holding out chairs and so on. I find it rather strange; I don't need anyone, guy or girl, to do things like that for me. Yet tons of girls accept such behaviour, and indeed expect it from guys. So, is this attitude also part of being "feminine"? I've never seen a girl pull out a chair for a guy. Ever.

Surely, being feminine must be more than dressing yourself up or acting like a wimp? I still wonder.